Saturday, June 22, 2024

My guide to sporting analogies that will be mangled by politicians in near future

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‘A cricket score’

Sporting context

A football match which has got out of hand, often involving Manchester United at one of their many low ebbs.

Political application

Concerning total of declared constituencies at 1am on 5 July.

‘Devon Loch moment’

Sporting context

Heavy favourite, possibly equine, somehow making a mess of sure thing and losing when in sight of victory.

Political application

Sir Keir Starmer’s most frequent anxiety dream.

‘Clear and obvious error’

Sporting context

Mythical threshold which must be reached to summon VAR genie.

Political application

Accidentally calling a pensioner a “bigoted woman” into a live microphone, forgetting which claret and blue football team you are supposed to support, Theresa May doing a dance.

‘Visit Rwanda’

Sporting context

Aspirational holiday choice on the sleeve of Arsenal shirts.

Political application

What foreign minister tells you when ushering you onto a charter flight. Less aspirational.

‘TV blackout’

Sporting context

Period between 3pm and 5pm during which no football can be televised, even though the rest of the world can see it, because of possible negative impact on the attendances of Port Vale.

Political application

What viewers will be praying for after the first of six televised debates.

‘You can only beat the team in front of you’

Sporting context

Something you say when the opposition are terrible and you fear you will not get enough credit for winning.

Political application

Useful across the spectrum.

‘Hail Mary’

Sporting context

A swing for the fences, a last throw of the dice, the shot for the stars, what do you mean you cannot explain a metaphor by just listing other metaphors?

Political application

Who knows. Hire a plane to fly over marginal constituencies, trailing an insulting limerick about Sir Ed Davey? Another referendum, subject TBC? Boris?

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